How to be a Tea Party Activist

Oolong University
Department of Intelligent Design
Political Science 101: How to Be a Tea Bag Terrorist (i.e. Tea Party Activist)

Class 1:Teabonics – How to create a protest sign using poor spelling and grammar.
This class will explore the different and varied ways to spell and use grammar when creating a protest sign.

Class 2: How to Make a Protest Sign
This class will explore the different elements and techniques used to create a Tea Party protest sign.
1. Use a picture of the President as: Hitler, Stalin, Marx, Osama bin Laden, or a monkey
2. Call the President a socialist and a fascist/Nazi
3. Use poor spelling and poor grammar
4. Ask to see the President’s birth certificate
5. Say something about Kenya, implying the President isn’t a US citizen
6. Call the President Obama bin Laden and make him out to be a Muslim
7. Say something about False (Fox) News
8. Call the President the anti-Christ and quote scripture to prove it
Extra credit will be given if your sign makes it on Fox News.
Double extra credit will be given if your sign makes it onto a liberal media newscast.
Automatic pass for the class if your sign gets mentioned by Keith Olbermann or John Stewart.

Class 3: Dressing like Betsy Ross or Ben Franklin
This class will explore the different styles of costume Tea Party activists wear at their rallies. At the end of the class, the student will be able to create their own costume to wear at the next Tea Party Rally.(Bring your own cloth and sewing machine)

Class 4: Making a hat out of tea bags
In this class students will learn how to make a hat decorated with tea bags they can wear to the next Tea Party rally held near them.(Please bring your favorite tea)

Class 5: Creating a catchy slogan
Nothing catches and keeps the media’s attention like a good slogan. In this class, students will learn the ins and outs, and tricks for creating a catchy slogan. A good slogan is one that can be repeated over and over, and never get old. A good slogan can sum up a person’s feelings on any subject.
1. Keep your government hands off my medicare.
2. I get my news from Fox News
3. Somewhere in Kenya, a village is missing their idiot
4. God Bless Glen Beck
5. God Bless Rush Limbaugh
6. Pray for the President.
7. How’s that Hopey-changey thing working for you?
8. The President wants to create re-education camps
9. The brownest thing at this rally is my sign.
10. Drill Baby Drill
11. Put in a fence, start shooting.
12. Deport the children of illegal immigrants
13. Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they hate abortion opponents, they hate all religions except Islam

Class 6: Freely quote Palin, Bachmann, Limbaugh, Beck, Robertson, O’Reilly or Coulter
When a person goes to a Tea Party rally they have to be able to quote a variety of sources. This class will teach a Tea Party Activist who they should quote and what they should quote.
1. Progressives are the cancer in America
2. The government will set up death panels to pull the plug on granny.
3. The President wants to set up re-education camps for our youth
4. Carbon dioxide is a harmless gas
5. I hope the President fails.
6. America is being punished for gays, feminists, liberals, etc.
7. Obama wants to end the white, Christian male dominance in this country.

Class 7: Ranting on about the President being a socialist and a fascist, or a commie, or a Muslim, or a dictator, or a tyrant, or the anti-Christ, or anti-America
A Tea Party Rally just isn’t a good Tea Party rally if you can’t clearly articulate who you believe the President to be. This class will give the student ample opportunity to practice calling the President all sorts of names. As an added bonus this class will also teach the student how to lie with a straight face.

Class 8: Making references to guns, targets, and the 2nd Amendment
In this class the student will learn the fine art of inciting violence. They will learn from the best: Sara Palin. From Palin the student will learn how to create a website that shows crosshairs on Democrats. This class will also teach the student how to deny they want to kill Democrats. This class will also teach students the finer points of throwing rocks through Representatives and Senator’s windows, how to use racial and sexual slurs, how to sabotage barbeque grills, and how to run cars with Obama stickers off the road. Guest lecturer will be Rep. Steve King R-IA, who will discuss beating up liberals.

Class 9: How to ignore questions about the Bush Administration
This class will teach the student how to ignore the excesses of the Bush Administration while decrying the excesses of the Obama Administration. This class will also teach the meaning of irony so the prospective Tea Party activist can say what they want without trying to be ironic. (This may have to more than 1 class period.)
1. Budget surplus becomes record deficit
2. Going to war in Iraq on false pretenses
3. Tax cuts for the richest 5% of the population
4. Government expansion of Medicare and the creation of the Department of Homeland Security
5. The USA Patriot Act
6. Illegal wiretaps on US citizens
7. Rendition and torture
8. Dick Cheney’s secret meetings to form energy policy with the CEOs of the oil companies
9. Prisoner abuse in Iraq
10. Bush fiddling while New Orleans drowned
11. Ignoring security briefing detailing foreign nationals learning to fly plans
12. Forced take over of our schools under No Child Left Behind
13. Suspension of the Writ of Habeas Corpus
14. Guantanamo Bay
15. Deplorable conditions at the Walter Reed Army Hospital
16. Gutting environmental rules to allow more pollutants into the air and water
17. Taking the eye of the ball in Afghanistan
18. Where is Osama bin Laden?
19. Bank, Wall Street, and car company bailouts started by Bush

Class 10: How to look foolish when interviewed on television
View selected videos of:
1. Glen Beck
2. Michelle Bachmann
3. Ann Coulter
4. Rush Limbaugh
5. Any number of Tea Party rallies

Class 11: How to sound foolish online
Selected readings from:
1. Facebook
2. Other websites

Class 12: Pretending to know what the Bible and the Constitution say

Class 13: How to say racist things and then claim not to be racist

Class 14: How to scream loud enough to drown out the rational person speaking

Class 15: How to scream about high taxes while ignoring the tax credit all Americans making less than $250,000 were given.

Class 16: How to be a hypocrite without sounding like a hypocrite.

Class 17: How to continue saying outrageous things to keep the media’s attention

Coming this fall, just in time for the mid-term election, two new classes for prospective right-wing legislative candidates.

1. How to Pander to the Christian Right.
Taught by none other than George W. Bush. Former Pres. Bush is an expert in this field and should be able to provide many enlightening and useful ideas for the up and coming GOP candidate.

2. How to Pander to the Tea Party.
This useful class will be taught by Rep. Michelle Bachmann, R-MN. Topics to be covered include: how to say outrageous things and how to look foolish on television. Should be a great class.